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Sermon Transcript

I have my Bible open to Ephesians chapter 5. I hope you have your Bible open to Ephesians chapter 5 as well. We’ve been talking about Ephesians, the most organized book in the Bible. The first half is full of indicatives, that tell us about our identity—and then the second half is full of imperatives, that tell us about our activity. We are right in the heart of it, and we are about to enter some of the most practical teaching in the Bible—especially if you are married.

Today we are going to be talking to a select group of people in the auditorium. The message is not for everybody here today—only a select group of people I’m actually speaking to. Everybody else, you get the week off—you can sit back, relax. This message is not for you. You say, “Well, why did I come to church?” You need to pray for the people I’m about to identify.

Here are the people—it’s real simple: I need all of the husbands to stand up. Where are the husbands today? I need to know where you are; I need to know where the targets are. I need to see the whites of your eyes. Yeah! Let’s cheer these guys on! There they are. Now, what we know about these guys is, they need help. We’re going to try to provide some help for the husbands here today.

Let me just, very quickly, say a word to those of you who did not stand. In order to talk to you, I need to just come down here “on the front porch” for a second—and let’s have a little talk; talk to those of you who did not stand. First of all, if you are a wife of one of those guys who just stood (or maybe you are a wife and your husband is not here) I need to let you know: this is not a message where you want to “amen” at inappropriate times. This is not a time where you need to point or jab or laugh or lean over to another wife and say, “Yeah, my husband really needed to hear that one today!” This is not an opportunity for you to grade your husband okay? Resist that temptation. You pray for him, you cheer him on. We’re going to give him some help to love you today, okay?

Now, there’s a second group of people here, and it’s all the single ladies. [You knew that went through your head as soon as I said it.] I need to say a word to you: This is an opportunity for you to grade any potential husband who may want to come by and try to win your heart. If he doesn’t fit this category, then you just keep looking. Alright?

Now, if you’re a single man in here—and you’re a potential husband—you need to take notes, alright? Because what we have here at church today—and what Harvest Bible Chapel really is—is it’s a husband factory, it’s a marriage factory. We’re trying to produce some quality husbands around here.

Before you become one, you better learn what it means to be one. Getting married is not really about finding the right person—it’s about being the right person—and maybe you need to ask yourself this question: Are you the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for? And if you don’t do this, that person you’re looking for is not looking for you. They’re looking for somebody that does exist. Okay? So take some notes on that. Now, some of you are single again, and even this whole subject of marriage and husbands and wives brings back some painful memories. We want to surround you with the grace and the love of God.

Realize this, the Scripture says in Isaiah 54:5, “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name…” [ESV] The Lord is your Husband! The Scripture teaches that, whether you are married or single, there is not another human being on the planet that can meet the deepest needs of your soul. And so, don’t ask your husband, your wife or your marriage to do something that God never designed it to do! Only God can meet the needs of your heart.

Having said that, husbands, there are some things that God wants to say to you. Now, before we get to your part, we need to kind of go back in Ephesians chapter 5. How many of you were here last week? Remember winners and losers? Remember how we talked about how to win every day? How many of you won this week—did some things differently and made some wins? Remember the last thing we said was that winners fill their relationships with submission.

We learn that from Ephesians 5:21. Look at that verse. It says, “…Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The reason Paul says you have to submit out of reverence for Christ is because, God knows that the person you’re going to submit to is not really all that great. He’s not going to get it right every time. So out of reverence for Christ, you obey Christ to submit. This is the pattern of submission for all of us. What it means to submit is to give your life to helping another person win. It’s you coming around and surrounding—bringing all your strengths and your abilities and your intellect and your experience and your gifts—and saying, “I want to be on your team! I don’t even care if I’m in charge. I want to help us win. I want to go the same direction; I believe in you.” And so, that’s the attitude in the church.

Now, having set that up in verse 21, verse 22 targets a specific group of people who I am not preaching to. Relax, ladies. You all are going to be okay. I am not preaching to you today. But, I do want your husband to know what God says you’re supposed to do. Verse 22 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Now, husbands, let me ask you a question. Does that sound like a hard job to you? God told your wife to follow somebody like you! Scary! Hard! Challenging! And, on certain days, almost impossible. If it wasn’t for her reverence for Christ, it would be really difficult to submit to somebody like you.

So, having said that, God wants husbands to know—you can do something to make her job easier. Look at verse 23 and 24: “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

            Do you see the word “as” in verse 24? That word is used over and over throughout this passage. The word “as” is a comparison; it compares one thing to another. So, guys, our wives have a hard job—at times almost impossible. But there is something we can do to make their job easier, and it is summed up in this simple word, “love.” As a matter of fact, look here in verse 25: “Husbands, love your wives…” If you love your wife, it will make her job of submitting to you so much easier.

I brought a “friend” here today. This is a plant, and it came from Vite’s Greenhouse. Greg Vite is one of the elders in our church, and he grows plants. I asked him to bring a plant to church this morning. We had our elder retreat this week, and Greg told me a story yesterday that’s hilarious. These guys have businesses and they have to deal with customers who aren’t always happy with the products they sell.

Greg was telling me, “It’s amazing! We sell these, and every now and then, somebody will bring back a plant that we sold them. It was alive when it left the store, but when they brought it back, it was dead!” And this person’s unhappy—they want a refund or something. They try to do the best that they can, but Greg kind of laughs at these people.

Sometimes he looks at the plant and it’s obvious it hasn’t been watered! So, they bring it back dead, and Gregg asks, “Did you water it?” “Well, that’s irrelevant! It should have survived!”  “Well, did you want me to come to your house and water it for you?” It’s an interesting conversation. Sometimes, he says, it’s really funny, because right before they bring it back to the store, for the very first time, they’ll fill up the bucket full of water, right?

The reason I share that is because, husbands, you have to understand. If you look at your wife and she seems a little “dry” lately? The same thing happens in my office sometimes, with men who come in. I ask, “What’s the problem?” “Marriage is dead!”  “Did you water it?”  “Last night we went on a date, I took her to a movie, I bought her some jewelry.” Yeah, you just dumped a bunch of that on before you came in. It’s a process! If you want your marriage and your wife to thrive, there are some things you have to do to feed and water it, so that it grows. And the ingredient that you need to pour into your wife and your marriage is simply love.

 

  1. Husband, love your wife as Christ loves the church. (v. 25-27)

 

Love your wives!

And so, the question becomes, “How? How do we do that?” A man wants to love his wife. Sometimes he doesn’t quite know how. You get hung up on the word “love,” because that sounds like ushy-gushy, touchy-feely romantic emotional stuff. Guys aren’t always that great at that, and so we check out. “I don’t think I can do that!”

We need to understand love differently, and here’s what we’re going to learn. Love is not something you feel. When the writer of Ephesians was saying, “Husbands, love your wife,” he wasn’t saying, “Husbands, feel something for your wife. Stir up some emotion!” That’s not what he’s saying. He’s telling us to do something; he’s telling us to communicate something. So, let’s look at how he says we’re to love. Paul sums it up in two simple ways.

First of all, a husband (verse 25) is to, “…love [his wife], as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” So, how does a husband love his wife? Two-letter word. Real simple, guys. When God speaks to guys He uses monosyllabic words to help us “as” Christ loves His church. So, what is he saying? It is impossible for a husband to properly love his wife horizontally unless he is consumed and brought to his knees with the love—vertically—that Christ has for him! And when you are blown away by the fact that Christ loves you, you will bend that love horizontally to your spouse. And so, how does Christ love His church? The first thing Paul says is that Christ gave Himself for her.

So what does Christ do?

 

  1. He pursues her. (v. 25-26)

 

He pursues. Do you understand? Christ. In Heaven. With God. Having a great day. Doesn’t need you. Doesn’t need me. Looked at the planet, realized, “There are a bunch of people down there who are not so lovable. As a matter of fact, they’re kind of ugly!” Not necessarily something that would be attractive to Him! And yet, as an act of His will, He left Heaven. He gave Himself up. He gave up Heaven; He gave up royalty; He gave up comfort; He gave up time; He gave up safety—to pursue us as His bride! And He says, “Husbands, do you want to love your wife? Do it like that!” Give yourself up! Give up your time, give up your money, give up your comfort, give up your independence, give up your right to be right—and go to where she is. Pursue her!

Now, I’m sitting here, and some of the single guys are like: “I’m all over that! I’m pursuin’! I’ve got flowers and cards and I’ve written poetry, and I am in pursuit!” Single guys, man, we are on it! Here’s the problem: the wedding day happens and guys default, thinking that’s the finish line. And we let off the accelerator and we kind of coast around the track—and then we divert from the track and we go off and we start pursuing other things. And all the energy and the effort and the time and the money and emotion we spent pursuing our wives, we start pursuing sports and a career and an education and a job. And even children. And acclaim. We pursue everything but our wife after the wedding day.

Christ doesn’t stop pursuing us on the day that we get saved. That’s the starting line of the relationship. Dating is not something you do to find a wife; dating is something you do to build a relationship. And if you stop dating your wife, what’s going to happen to the relationship? It’s going to die! And you’re going to bring it back and say, “Look, God it died!” “Did you feed it?” “No, I was feeding everything else.” “Yeah, see that’s the problem!” So, a husband pursues his wife. Fellas, date your wives!

Another thing that Christ does is:

 

  1. He purifies her. (v. 26-27)

 

Look at verse 26: “…that he…” speaking of Christ “…might sanctify her…” that means “set her apart.” She’s in one place, we’re going to get her to a better place. That’s what Christ does for us—He found you here, He wants to move you here. So, he sanctifies her. How does He do that? “…Having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…” That implies that she’s dirty, and Christ wants to get her to a better place, and the thing He uses to do it is His Word. So, husbands, this is a responsibility God has given us—to know this Book, and to use this Book—the Word of God—to wash our wives.

“Trent, if you knew my wife, and how jacked-up she is, you would realize why it’s so hard to love her!” Yeah. So, here’s the deal. You’ve identified some need in her life. Now, go find what meets the need in the Word, and apply that to the practical component parts of her life: the things that she struggles with, the things she worries about, the fears, the anxiety, the sin issues. It is our job as husbands to disciple our wives.

The mission statement of our church is, “…glorifying God, making disciples…” Why do we think we can do that with our children, with our neighbors, with our men’s group? It starts with the person closest to us. What does Christ do? He washes us, sanctifies us, with the water of His Word. Husbands! Get into this Book, use this Book to wash your wife. Get her to a better place. He purifies her.

 

  1. He polishes her. (v 27)

 

Look at verse 27: “…so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” It is so interesting to me how the Holy Spirit inspired the apostle Paul—in a passage on marriage—to somehow sneak in the words “wrinkle” and “blemish.” Masterful! Only under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit could a man talk about wrinkles and blemishes in the context of marriage.

And here’s the reality: there are so many wives that see all of the wrinkles, they see all of the spots, they see all of the blemishes. And inside the heart of every wife, there is a twelve-year-old girl wondering, “Am I lovable, or do you just see the spots, the wrinkles and the blemishes?” It is the job of a husband to iron out the wrinkles, and to look past those things, the way that Christ looked past those things. He covered those things, He absorbed those things; He sanctified, He justified those things. And, as a husband, we understand: “I love you in spite of spots, wrinkles and blemishes. Forever! Because it’s my job. I’m commanded to love!” So, he polishes her.

And then, the last thing is:

 

  1. He presents her. (v. 27)

 

Verse 27: “…so that he might present the church to himself in splendor…” That is an amazing concept. You think about giving a present to somebody else. Christ is in the process of giving a present to Himself. He presents her to Himself.

And so, as husbands, our job is to present our wife and to her brag on our wife and to boast on our wife. How do you talk about your wife—to other men, to other people? Present her with splendor! She’s a splendid thing, and it is my honor to love my wife! How does a husband love his wife? As Christ loves the church.

I know, guys, we struggle with this. The word “love” has such connotation, that we think it’s impossible for us to be emotional and romantic and touchy-feely, warm-fuzzy. And it is hard. And that is why God gives you a second way—a second reason—to love your wife. He says this:

 

  1. Husband, love your wife as you love yourself. (v. 28-33)

 

Look at verse 28. Paul says, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” You see, God knows something about guys. God knows it’s kind of unnatural for you to love your wife, so He says, “I want to give you an assignment—to do something that you already are doing every day. Love your wife the way you are already loving yourself.”

Guys have no problem loving themselves! We think about ourselves, we feel sorry for ourselves, we find excuses for ourselves, we spend money on ourselves, we pamper ourselves, we lay our bodies down to sleep, we feed ourselves. And what God is saying is, “You want to know how to love your wife? Why don’t you use the same money, the same time, the same emotion loving your wife as you already spend loving yourself? Husbands, love your wife as yourself!” And God gives us a couple of ways to do that.

Look at verses 29 and 30: “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it…” Underline the words “nourish” and “cherish.” “…Just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” Get it? Earlier in the passage, Paul said that the husband is the head, the wife is his body. The head takes care of the body: it builds the body up; it protects the body from pain, and it feeds the body. And so, that’s the way we’re to love.

Ephesians 5:31: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.” By the way, verse 31 is one of the most-often repeated verses in the Bible. In Genesis chapter 2 is the first time we read that. Jesus preached it in Matthew chapter 19. Now, here, we’re in the book of Ephesians, and Paul says it over and over and over again: God’s design for marriage is for one man and one woman to come into one-flesh-relationship for one lifetime. That is God’s design, and that’s the target, and that is still what we—as Christians—give ourselves to.

In verse 32, Paul says, “This whole thing is a “…mystery [but it’s] profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and [His] church.” Do you know what that means? Your marriage will either display or distort the glory of God. Do you know what’s at stake in your marriage? The gospel being known to the world! Because people are supposed to look at your marriage—the way that a husband loves his wife—and understand, “Oh, I get it now! You see, that’s the way that Christ loves me!” But, if husbands aren’t showing the world love for their wife, they are robbing the world of a picture of Christ loving them. That’s what’s at stake. It’s not just about you and your little marriage. It is about the gospel!

And, finally, in verse 33: “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself,” and then, a note to wives: Wives, “see that she respects her husband.” Now, again, ladies—you’re getting off easy. You’re just cheering him on, praying for him. In two weeks, come back—we’ve got a message for you.

Next week, Andrea and I will be gone—we’re doing a marriage conference in Kalamazoo. If this message is really resonating with you and you feel like you need a crash course on marriage, join us in Kalamazoo next week, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Go to WeekendtoRemember.com. Sign up for that conference—we’ll see you there. Tyler Holder will be preaching here; you will be in good hands—be here next week. The following week, we will be coming back to talk about something that wives need to do—but that’s not for today, okay? So, husbands, love your wife as you love yourself!

There are two word-pictures here we need to look at. First of all:

 

  1. He nourishes her. (v. 29)

 

He nourishes his wife as Christ, the Head, nourishes His body. That means he feeds it; he doesn’t starve it. He doesn’t keep things from this person that it needs.

Husbands, do you know what your wife needs? “Uh-uh.” I’ve got a great suggestion for you! Why don’t you ask someone who knows what your wife needs? “Who would that be?” Your wife! She knows! And she’s probably pretty good at articulating it. You go and say, “I want to nourish you. I just need to know what groceries you need. Would you give me some suggestions?” And, in just a moment, you’re going to have some suggestions.

So, he nourishes, and the second thing is:

 

  1. He cherishes her. (v. 29)

 

Isn’t that a great word? He cherishes as a treasure.

In studying this passage a few years ago, I found what this word actually means. It actually means, “to keep warm”—like a mother would coddle and protect an infant from the cold “to provide.” Now, living in Michiana, that has massive implications for my marriage! It means to “keep warm,” it means “to provide and to protect.” Now, at this point, I am totally out of material and I feel a little bit like a hypocrite, telling husbands in here how to love their wives, because I’m still trying to figure that out myself—so we need someone who knows this a little better. So, I’ve invited my wife to come up here and help us, before I “step in something” up here.

We’re going to give you five ways that a husband cherishes his wife. I’m going to kind of introduce these things, and then Andrea’s going to help us see it from a wife’s perspective, in a way that maybe I would be clueless to do.

Five ways a wife feels cherished:

 

  • Security

 

A husband provides security. He gives her security. Do you know what that means?

Men, we need to be men of our word. We need to be trustworthy. We need to be people who say, “No matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets, we’re not giving up! We’re going to the finish line together. Divorce is not an option! Murder, maybe. Not divorce! Okay? We are going to the finish line together. You never have to question if there’s another woman. I don’t have wandering eyes. Pornography is not an issue. I want you to feel secure.” There is nothing that breeds insecurity in the heart of a wife more than a man who has wandering eyes. We have to provide security.

            [Andrea]: So, lately, we’ve had a way that this security issue has been playing out in our marriage. Just about—I don’t know—three winters ago, I literally got stuck in three different carwashes! The first carwash, I went through…you know, you choose which wash you want, you put your money in…it washed the car and then it came time to do the dry. You know, it said to drive slowly and it tells you the countdown—and it tells you how it’s going to dry your car. Well, as I was pulling forward, the garage door only opened halfway. It only opened enough so that I could get the hood of my car out, but not the windshield and all of the top. And so, my heart is like pounding out of my chest, because, I’m like, “I am stuck—in this carwash!” And the car behind me is getting washed, and there’s a long line, and I know they need me to go. And so I’m inching up and inching up—the dry time is done—and still, this garage door—I can only get the engine of the car underneath it, and it will not go up! And I don’t know what I’m going to do! And I’m thinking, “Surely, someone is seeing this; they will come, they will help me.” No one comes! So, eventually, I just crawled onto the hood of my car and lifted the garage door up, and got back in and drove out! And then, I got literally stuck in two more different carwashes that winter! So, I have grown to be very insecure when going through a carwash!

What I have noticed, though is, sometimes I will go out to my garage and my car is spotless! It wasn’t spotless before. I would get stuff on my pants as I was putting stuff in the car, because it’s so dirty. And I put the key in and crank up [the engine] and I’ve got a full tank of gas. Someone has taken my car, filled it up with gas, and taken it to the carwash! Yes! And that means so much to me, because I see in that, that my husband knows me, he knows I’m insecure. He knows my weakness—that I can’t handle carwashes—and that he has gone to the trouble to meet me where I am, to cover that need! Now, men, most of your wives are not insecure about carwashes. But, I bet, you know some areas in their life where they deal with insecurity, and I bet if you think about it, you could think of some ways that you could go to work to meet those areas of insecurity in her life—to cover it, to encourage, to help her right there.

Now, another thing that Trent does that’s way bigger than carwashes, and I think the biggest thing he does to help me in this area of security, is every morning I see him in the Word. I know that if he is following after God, then I can follow behind him. He’s in the Word—so that as we’re doing life, and it’s hard, and we need wisdom and we need help–we don’t have it in us—we don’t!—but we know where to go to find it. And I see him go in there [in the Word] and that puts more security in my life than anything else.

[Trent]: What’s really amazing to me about what she just said is that, I didn’t have to “emote” to get the car washed. I wasn’t feeling anything when I was washing the car! And I’m like, “That works for you? That’s amazing! Because I didn’t have to ‘feel’ anything!” But that communicated that she is cherished. Big deal: security.

 

  • Honor

 

            “Honor” simply means “placing high value on someone or something.” For Andrea, it’s very important that I give her my attention, that I listen to her, that I value her opinions. I’m a preacher—occupational hazard is that I’ve got some stuff to say—I can be convincing, I like illustrations, I can talk for forty-five minutes at a time without taking a breath. And if I try to do that here, that’s not going to work! That’s not honoring to her. I need to value, to understand, that God has given me a wife who needs to help me. She sees things differently, and she can help me. That is honoring to her.

[Andrea]: A few weeks ago, I was talking to a young wife. She’s been married eight years. Her husband is an entrepreneur, and she said, “A lot of times as he’s starting up a new business, I’ll go in and I’ll help him. Like, I’ll be the receptionist or I’ll do whatever he needs on the computer—that type of thing. I just come alongside and help. I’ve told my husband, over and over, ‘It would mean so much to me if—when I’m in your office—you would even just wave or make eye contact, or even come over to me and just put your hand on my back so that I know that you know that I’m there.’” And she said, “Or, at home, ‘I would just love it if you would just say my name. It means a lot to me when you say my name.’”

But, she said, “It’s been eight years and none of those things have happened, and I’ve just kind of died to that” which is not great, in and of itself. But, they recently moved, and they moved into a house where—they didn’t know it at the time—but their next door neighbor also works at that business. And, that next door neighbor always goes to her and says, “Is that a new dress you’re wearing? You look so nice today!” Or, “Wow! Did you get your hair cut?” And he makes the time to notice her.

Now that they’re living next door, she pulls up in the driveway and he sees her and knows she has groceries in the car or something. He comes out and helps her with the groceries, asks her about her day. She said, “I know he’s just being kind. There’s nothing there. I’m committed to my husband, he’s committed to his wife”—and at this point, she starts sobbing, and she says, “But I am shocked at how my heart is so drawn to this man! I keep thinking about him during the week, and I hope that he’s home when I drive up and the car’s full of groceries.” Why? Because honor is a powerful tool to draw the heart of your wife to you! Husbands, are you using it?

I look at the wives in this church, and I see so much beauty and so much strength! I see that they’re under the financial pressures, and yet they get up every day and they go work a job. Or they have all these little kids, who need them every second, and they’re laying down their lives for these kids. Maybe they have grown children who are wayward, and they’re praying for them—and it’s breaking their hearts—and yet they hang in there in prayer, and they hang in there walking and obeying the Lord. I see all that beauty and all that strength, and I wonder—does their husband see it? Is he calling it out? Is he telling her that he sees that beauty and that strength in her? Because it’s a powerful tool to draw the heart of your wife back to you–just to honor, to place high value on your wife.

[Trent]: Okay, dudes, do you know what was happening while she was talking? I’m watching tears coming down the cheeks of the ladies, because Andrea just honored the wives for what they do. That needs to come from us! We need to give our wives honor!

Here’s another thing:

 

  • Understanding

 

This is so important! 1 Peter 3:7, one verse to men, says this: “Husbands, live with [dwell with] your wives in an understanding way, showing honor [to them]…” That has got to be one of the hardest verses in the Bible to obey. Men, understand our wives.

I heard of a boy who was in a geography class—he was seven years old. He was doing some homework, and he asked his dad, “Dad, I need help with my homework. I just read in my geography book that in some parts of Africa, men don’t even know their wives until the day they marry them! Is that true?” His dad said, “Son, that’s true in every country!” We’re different, have you noticed that? Very different!

[Andrea]: Okay, so men, I totally sympathize with you on this one, this understanding [your wife]—because half the time I don’t understand myself. And then once I figure it out, I change my mind! Right? I see it from a totally different perspective! So—man, I just sympathize with you on this—but it so important to understand what we’re going through, what we’re thinking. And, you don’t have to get it perfectly—but just an attempt.

We’re doing a ladies’ Bible study right now that I just love, and one of the questions during the first week was, “What is your greatest strength and what is your greatest weakness?” And I’m sitting there in my Bible study, and I’m like, “I have no idea.” I’m running the gamut of characteristics—and I can’t come up with them. And I think, “Well, I can ask a couple friends.” And then I think, “Wait! No! I know someone who knows me best, and understands me the best!” And so, two days later, we actually found some time to talk, and I just asked Trent, “What is my greatest strength. . .and what is my greatest weakness?” And he nailed it, totally nailed it—and they happen to be one thing, both strength and weakness.

But this is the beauty of it for me: he knows it, but he doesn’t try to fix it. We just have to navigate it together. So, when a different situation comes in, because he understands me—not fixes me, but understands me—then we know how to tackle it and navigate it together!

[Trent]: And, this is so hard for a husband, because our natural tendency is to fix problems. So when they bring a problem and want to communicate the problem, she just shakes her head when I’m trying to fix it! One time, the dishwasher overflowed or something, and the kids were out of control, and she had a rough conversation on the phone with a friend and she got misunderstood. And she’s telling me all this at the end of the day, and I’m like, “Come here—let me show you how a dishwasher works; you gotta load it this way and you gotta make sure the door’s closed and do that thing there.” And then, “…talking to kids about this, and turn it this way—and maybe at a better time,” and, “Did you have a quiet time today? Because if you pray real hard during the day, then the day will go better.” That doesn’t work! That’s a fail! And she’s like, “No!” I’m like, “Why are you shaking your head?”  And she’s like, “I don’t want you to fix it—I just want you to understand the way I feel about it!” [Me]: “Is that all?” [Her]: “Yeah!” I have so much trouble getting this right!

Finally, I was reading this book, For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhan. I think we have it in the Resource Center. Jeff was writing, and this is what he said: “This is what I learned. I must resist the temptation to want to fix it. When there is a problem, she needs to express it verbally. What she is feeling about the problem is more important than the problem itself. What she is feeling is the real problem! Therefore, listening to her feelings actually fixes the problem. Instead of filtering out her emotions—to focus on the problem—I must learn to filter out the problem and focus on the feelings. After she feels like I understood her feelings, now she’s ready to solve the problem!” I cut and pasted that. I hung that up in my office. I’m like, “I’ve got to figure this out!” That is a new concept for men, because we want to fix it!

And, women feel cherished when:

 

  • Communication

 

The average woman, studies have shown, speaks twenty-five-thousand words a day (with gusts up to thirty-five-thousand, on certain days)! Men, on the other hand, only communicate about fifteen-thousand words. So there’s a gap there, and we have to learn to communicate at a different level.

[Andrea]: So, in our marriage, I’m definitely more the talker and he is definitely more the quiet one, and he has used up his fifteen-thousand words after three services on Sunday. Just trust me on that one. So, what I’ve come to see is that we each have bent. We’re either more talkative or we’re more quiet—and we need to figure out which way our bent is and then move toward the middle.

So, sometimes I’ll be listening to wives talking about their husbands—and it just breaks my heart—because I think, “If only the men knew the damage they are doing to their marriage, simply by not talking, just being silent,” because that’s  how we “learn” you. That’s how we know what’s going on in your heart, in your life, in your brain. That’s how we know to encourage you or come alongside, or how to relate to you. If you’re not talking, we’re just kind of stuck—and we don’t know where to go with it or how to move it.

Also, for me—as more of the talker—I have to learn to sometimes be quiet, so he will talk. And the Lord has just been asking me, “Andrea, when you are talking, are your words wise? Are they building up? Do you even hear what you’re saying, or is it just like cats you’re trying to herd, and you don’t even know where it’s going?” When you talk, choose wisely what you’re saying, if you are the talker. And I know, for us, communication is just finding the time to make it a priority. Everything else in life is so busy, but communication has got to be a priority—or everything in else goes spinning out of whack.

[Trent]: Five ways a wife feels cherished: security, honor, understanding, communication, and:

 

  • Physical Affection

 

I read a study one time that said the average woman needs between eight and twelve non-sexual touches every day. Now, some of you men are saying, “I can take care of that right now!” That’s not we’re saying, okay? It is so important! And Andrea read some stuff, recently, that confirms that.

[Andrea]: As we were talking through the message a little bit last night, Trent said, “And we’ll get to the physical section, and we can race right past that.” And I was like, “No, no, no! You cannot race right past that! Because physical affection means more—and affects women more—than men. Research has shown this to be true. Okay?” So, a nice rub on the back or grab my hand or something like that, releases in women (in men, too, but more so in women) oxytocin, which is the bonding chemical. So, when that happens for a woman, I’m drawn to you. I can relate to you as my husband. It’s been shown that nonsexual physical touch also releases emotionally positive brain chemicals; it lowers a woman’s heart rate, it lowers it her stress level and it decreases feelings of loneliness—just by grabbing her hand or rubbing her back!

[Trent]: I thought I had to feel something to fix all that!

[Andrea]: No, just act like you do!

[Trent]: Oh, okay. Then act like it! One more thing real quick. If you are not

already holding your wife’s hand or have your arm around her, this would be the time to do that! This is what I want us to do—I want us to all stand right now. I want to give you the last point as we stand together.

Husbands, hold your wife’s hand—and here’s the last thing. Husbands, love your wife as you love yourself—he nourishes her, he cherishes her:

 

  1. He inspires her. (v. 33)

 

Do you remember how hard her job is–to submit to somebody like you? Well, here’s the thing: when a husband does his job right, her job gets easier—because a husband’s love inspires a wife’s respect. Some of you men have already excused yourself from this whole message because you’re sitting there thinking, “She doesn’t respect me, so I’m not giving her my love!” Verse 33 tells us, [Husbands], love [your] wife as [you love yourself], and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

            Here’s the way it works: you see, without love, she reacts without respect. And, the problem is ladies, you need to understand—without respect, your husband reacts without love. And so, here we have a gap. This is what Emerson Eggerichs calls “the crazy cycle.” We stand in our corners waiting for the other person to move. But, here’s what we need to do: husbands, our love inspires her respect; and, ladies, your respect inspires our love—and it doesn’t matter who moves first. But a marriage has to be filled with love and respect. The number one need of a man is respect; the number one need of a wife is love. This is the way we communicate to one another, “This is real love.”

I want you to bow your heads for a moment. I want to pray for you. I know some of you are stuck. Some of you are in difficult situations, and some of you identified with the loneliness and the stress. Some of you have longed for this kind of relationship and—for whatever reason—you have never had it. Maybe you’ve had it and you’ve lost it.

Here’s what I want you to know: the love of Christ is enough! And He’s the One, right now, Who’s in the process of sanctifying us and cleansing us and washing us—giving us fresh starts and new beginnings. No matter where you are in your marriage, today can be the first day of moving it to a better place. Our pastors are here at the end of the service. If you need prayer, you would you humble yourself and just admit, “You know what? It’s not going great.” As a husband, you may want to come and say, “You know what? Today I realized why my marriage is so ‘dry.’ I haven’t been watering it. I see now why it’s hard for her to respect me—because I haven’t provided love.” Maybe today you want to tell that to the Lord, “Lord, I’m signing up again; I’m going to push the accelerator. I’m going to start to pursue my wife. I’m going to start doing some of things I used to do when I was twenty years old—trying to win her heart. I want to win it back!”

So, Lord, we do thank You for the love You have for us. You treat us as a bride who’s not very lovable, and yet You gave Yourself up for us. God, I pray that You would inspire us to love as You love Your church—and as we already love ourselves. God, make that practical for us this week. We pray in Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

 

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