MonOct52009
For the first decade of my marriage Andrea and I would continually have conflict anytime she would begin to express her frustrations, pressures, or problems. My response to her was to deal with her problem like I would deal with one of my problems--FIX IT! I would treat it as a home repairproject. I would lay it out on my mental workbench, pull out all my available intellectually tools, and offer what I considered helpful step-by-step solutions to her problems.
But while I was communicating my insight she would start shaking her head. She would say, "I don't want you to FIX IT." I just want you to UNDERSTAND IT." I couldn't believe why listening, empathizing, understanding my wife's pressures communicated more love than removing her pressures.
Finally it began to click for me when I read For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhaun. I know I would have to retrain my brain to respond differently to my wife so I posted the following adaptation from their book above my desk for a year...
"I must resist the temptation to want to fix it. When there is a problem she needs to express it. (I need to think about it). What she is feeling about the problem is more important than the problem itself. What she is feeling IS the real problem. Therefore, listening to her feelings actually fixes the problem. Instead of filtering out her emotions to focus on the problem, I must learn to filter out the problem to focus on her feelings. Only after she feels like I have understood her feelings is she ready to solve the problem."
This confirms what Peter said in 1Peter 3:7. "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way."
That was a turning point in our marriage. Pressure and problems still arise and we usually find a solution. But the connecting with my wife emotionally before I try to fix it has eliminated many potential blow ups. Now I attempt to understand before I attempt to fix.